Funny Jokes: Laugh Your Socks Off!

What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk

What do you call an angry carrot?A steamed veggie.

What do lawyers wear under their pants? Briefs.

What did the big flower say to the little flower?"Hi, bud!"

What do you call a person with too many past relationships?Excess of Exes

This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.

What kind of music do bubbles hate?Pop

"Ever hear the one about yoga? Eh, never mind, it's a bit of a stretch!"

what did one hat say to the other?You wait here. I’ll go on a head.

How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?He gave her a ring

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

Why do cows wear bells?Because their horns don’t work

Where do cucumbers go on date night? The salad bar.

What is a computer’s first sign of old age?Loss of memory.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. He said his summer was pretty good too.

If you commit 90 sins, you will be caught about half the time.Because sin90= cot 45

What do you call a pile of cats?A meow-ntain.

Why did the invisible man quit his job? He couldn't see himself doing it.

What kind of shorts do clouds wear?Thunderpants.

Why do bananas never get lonely? Because they hang out in bunches.

The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me when i was browsing, so I asked him to leave me alone. He said, “Fine, suit yourself.”

What did the urologist say when he hired an assistant?Urine!

I ordered a chicken and an egg online.I’ll let you know what comes first.

I met a giant once. I didn't know what to say, so I just used big words.

What do you get from a pampered cow?Spoiled milk.

I made song about tortilla once, now it's more like a wrap.

My wife is a terrible cook, she can never get gravy right.I have stuck with her though, through thick or thin.

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

Did you hear about math book that got a therapist? It had a lot of problems.

What cartoon mouse walks on two feet?

Mickey Mouse

To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my word.

What's an egg's favorite vacation spot? New Yolk City.

My best friends teacher told him he was ‘worthless and would never amount to anything.’Which was particularly hurtful. Especially since he was home schooled.

I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.

I renamed my toilet from John to Jim.People are really impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

Why is pi so lucky in love?Because its love is infinite and non-repeating.

when i open my first Business, im only hiring trans women. men's strength, women's wages.

What do you call a guy who’s really loud? Mike.

What happened when the pirate attempted to recite the alphabet?He got lost at 'c'.

Why didn’t the farmer's son study medicine?A: Because he wanted to go into a different field?

Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?Because she was stuffed.

3 unwritten rules of life . 1) 2) 3)

What did the left eye say to the right eye?A: Between you and me, something smells

people said,' follow your dream'

so i went to bed.

Life is short

smile while you still have teeth

i found friday, it was hiding at the end of the week this whole time

My boss asked me to start the presentation with a joke.So I put my paycheck as the first slide.

Hey Boss, I hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Some would say that I nailed it.

When does a joke become a “dad” joke?When the punchline is a parent.

Would you like to be the sun in my life? Her: Awww... Yes!!! Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me

What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?A: A can’t opener.

i wish everything is as easy as getting fat

There are three types of people in the world:Those who can count and those who can’t.

What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine’s day?I’m stuck on you.

What did the little corn say to the mama corn?Where is pop corn?

Why are frogs always so happy? They eat whatever bugs them

I broke my finger last week.On the other hand, I am ok.

Yo momma so fat, she doesn't need internet, she's already worldwide.

What did one firefly say to the other?A: You glow, girl!

don't give up on your dream

keep sleeping

Guess what I saw today?Everything I looked at.

What is the value of Pi? Student: Depends on what pie. Usually it's $12.99.

How do we know that the ocean is friendly?It waves!

What is a witch’s favorite subject in school? Spelling.

do you want to hear a bad cat joke? just kitten.

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

Why was six scared of seven? A: Because seven "ate" nine.

What is the best way to criticize your boss?Very quietly, so he cannot hear you.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay. He woke up.

What are you doing under there?

Me:Under where?

Ha ha! You said underwear!!

you came from dust and you'll return to dust. that's why i don't dust it could be someone i know.

i dont know how to act my age because i have never been this age before.

What do you call an old snowman?Water.

How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

it's monday again

oh, wait i'm retired!!!

Don't break anybody's heart

they only have 1. Break their bones

they have 206.

what's that on your face?

uhhh! beauty.

when i die i want my last words to be," i left a million dollar under the..."

Tomato's blushing cause it saw the salad dressing.

A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.